Avoiding the debate tonight? Here are 28 (totally real) shows to watch instead!

With everyone predicting “Super Bowl-level” ratings for the first Presidential debate tonight, other networks are scrambling to lure undecided viewers. Here is a comprehensive guide to other offerings from 9-11 p.m.

Discovery Channel

“How It’s Made”
A tour of the FakeCo ID, College Transcript and Birth Certificate Factory in Honolulu.


“Drudge Judy”
(Premiere) The popular TV jurist abandons small-claims cases to award seven-figure wrongful death settlements to any guy legally named Vince Foster.


Mark Russell: “Five No Trump,” 9-10 p.m.
The political song satirist unveils a fresh new hour of material, with nothing about the Republican nominee because he is unable to rhyme anything with “orange” or “Hitler.”

“Wolf Lobby,” 10-11 p.m.
Prequel to “Wolf Hall.”


“Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” 9-10 p.m.
Caitlin Jenner is rushed in for an emergency corrective procedure when she begins to open her stance on what constitutes maternity leave.

“The E! True Hollywood Story: Jennifer Aniston’s Dry Eye,” 10-11 p.m.
Success, despair, redemption, dilation, saline. All the way to the happy ending: Eyes are now fully liquid from commercial fees.


“Alt in the Family”
(90-minute remake) The Bunkers are forced to move from Queens to the Bronx when Archie (John Malkovich), despite six weeks with a speech therapist, is unable to describe himself as a “racialist.”

TV Land

“Happy Days”
(Lost Episode) Previously unseen footage where a shark jumps Fonzie and destroys the next 40 years of metaphors. (Subplot: Truant officer detains Chachi six hours because his name sounds Latino.)

The CW

“Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”
Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) is unwittingly recorded by the law firm’s newest hire, Linda Tripp (guest star Louie Anderson).


“Kate Plus 8,” 9-10 p.m.
The reality mom and her kids go trick-or-treating dressed as Colorado’s nine members of the electoral college. (Simulcast on THC)

“Extreme Makeover,” 10-11 p.m.
Marcus Bachmann’s closet (two-parter, at least)

Comedy Central

“Crank Yankers”
Underage puppets FaceTime with former congressman Anthony Weiner.


“Dr. Oz: 2nd Opinion”
The respected cardiothoracic surgeon and tolerated TV diagnostician shows incontrovertible clinical proof that if Trump’s weight hits 270, he will win the election.


“Real Housewives of Larry King”
Seven women, represented as themselves, holograms or inflatables, compare notes and medications of the broadcaster’s eight marriages. (Simulcast on Russian State TV under the title “Octogroom.”)


(Premiere) A live film crew ambushes kids in playground and asks them the names of obscure world leaders.

Cooking Channel

“Iron Chef”
Champion Chef Moriboto meets his challenger from the U.S., Roger Stone. Theme ingredient: Slime.


Paid programming: Liev Schrieber narrates side effects of estrogen esters.

ABC Family

An African-American family pretends concern for them is real and not a gratuitous attempt to calm their white neighbors. In pilot episode, town council votes in favor of police replacing pepper spray with less toxic pepper roll-on.


“Pardon the Interruption”
(Special) Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon do entire program on one knee in solidarity with Colin Kaepernick. (Show ends 10 minutes early so stagehands can help Kornheiser back to his feet.)


“Sheets Happen”
Surveillance footage documentary of Enzo Enzino, the New Jersey “businessman” who supplied linens to Trump’s Atlantic City casinos. Mr. Enzino was not a mobster because that would imply there was a mob, and there is no mob, capisce? Are we clear? Do you have something to say? Because you look like you have something to say. No? Yeah, I didn’t think so…;.


“Mr. Robot”
Cyber-vigilante Elliot and his hacktivist colleagues replace ground game data at DNC with Tinder accounts. Millennial turnout increases 85 percent.


“U.S. Congress Hearings on Benghazi” (Best of 9)

“Kennedy-Nixon Debate”
Full rebroadcast of historic first 1960 debate, digitally remastered, restored and colorized, except for Nixon’s face.

The Movie Channel

Direct-to-on-Demand Theater: “Fast and Furious 16”
Vin Diesel drives former Attorney General Eric Holder out of the public consciousness.


“Auntie Semite,” 9:11-9:46 p.m.
(Series premier) Three young children are sent away to live with their mother’s unmarried sister, Semite (Sandra Bernhard).

“Water Board,” 9:58-10:32 p.m.
(Series premiere) Kristen Wiig plays the penny-wise county bureaucrat who hires Gitmo detainees to clean the public pools.


“Human Centipede 5: Word of Mouth”


Crusading DA Chuck Rhoades Jr. (Paul Giamatti) gets tip that his nemesis, hedge fund mogul Bobby Axelrod, had started a charitable foundation using other billionaires donations to pay legal fines and purchase giant portraits of himself. (Spoiler Alert: At conclusion of episode, live footage of Paul Giamatti, out of character, threatening network executives he will quit series if showrunners do not come up with more believable storylines.)



“The Tonight Show’s Third-Party Debate”
Jimmy Fallon moderates three-category confrontation between Gary Johnson and Jill Stein. The categories: 1) Jenga, 2) Candy Crush, 3) Clown Dunk Tank.